What to Do If Someone With Alzheimer’s Says They Want to “Go Home” When They’re Already There

For many, the word home conjures up feelings of safety, comfort, and security—the ultimate cozy-blanket vibe. That’s why it can be particularly devastating if you are taking care of a person with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia who repeatedly asks to go home when they’re already there.

“Many times caregivers will take this personally because we translate it as ‘I don’t want to be here’ and maybe even ‘I don’t want to be with you,’” says Adria Thompson, MA, CCC-SLP, the founder of Be Light Care Consulting, which provides consulting services and workshops for caregivers of people experiencing dementia and other symptoms of neurodegenerative diseases. Hearing a request like this can be heartbreaking, inconvenient, and sometimes a bit hazardous, she explains. “A person with dementia might be trying to leave, and it can easily transition from frustrating to dangerous pretty quickly,” Thompson says.

Nearly 7 million people in the US have Alzheimer’s disease, and asking to “go home” is, unfortunately, a common problem, according to Elizabeth Edgerly, PhD, senior director of Community Programs and Services at the Alzheimer’s Association.

“It happens to the vast majority, if not every family, at some point, where they will hear some variation of this,” she tells SELF. “It suggests that the person doesn’t maybe recognize their surroundings or even the family,” says Dr. Edgerly, whose mother had dementia. It can feel really, really bad—not only unsettling but hurtful. She adds, “There’s a lot wrapped up in that moment when someone says they want to go home.”

We asked both experts and caregivers for tips and advice on how to safely navigate this tricky problem with grace, love, and patience. This is what they said.

1. Check for a specific problem

One thing to keep in mind: If someone is asking to go home, they may be struggling with a want or emotion that has nothing to do with their geographic location. They may desire something but lack the ability to put it into words, according to Joanna LaFleur, the founder of a dementia-care consulting company and an assisted-living community for folks with Alzheimer’s and similar neurodegenerative conditions.

“Think about when you’re away at a vacation, a party, or an event and you’re not comfortable—you don’t really know the people there, where the bathroom is, and when your food is coming,” LaFleur tells SELF. “You want to go home, right, because that’s your safety, that’s your comfort, that’s your place.” Your loved one is in the same situation. They may be stressed, need to use the toilet, or feel hungry, and taking them to a specific place might not solve the problem.

Dr. Edgerly knew one family whose mom had moved to the US long ago but kept asking to go home—so eventually, they decided to take her. After making the trip, their mother said—you guessed it—“I want to go home.”

2. Start a conversation

If their immediate physical needs have been met—you’ve made sure they aren’t cold, hungry, or in need of the bathroom—you can try to redirect or distract your loved one with questions. The goal is to do this effectively enough that they forget they wanted to leave.

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