Please, I’m Begging You, Don’t Worry About What You ‘Should’ Be Doing Right Now

If you’ve ever been to therapy (or hell, read an article on basic mental health tips), you probably know that a lot of therapists aren’t huge fans of the word “should.” “Should”—as in, what we think we should do or should feel—often comes bearing judgment, guilt, and unrealistic expectations, wagging its finger at you and ultimately hurting your mental health.

Frankly, nixing “should” is good advice no matter what’s going on, which is why therapists often encourage us to cut it from our vocabularies entirely. But lately, the “should” rule is more relevant than ever. As we navigate the new coronavirus pandemic and all its stressors, from the anxiety of the unknown to the loneliness of isolation, the last thing we need is to tell ourselves what we should be doing and feeling. Because do you know the worst time to impose a bunch of rules and expectations on yourself? In the middle of an UNPRECEDENTED GLOBAL CRISIS that’s changing life as we know it and leaving many of us barely able to function.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a hard urge to resist. You’ve probably been inundated with messages lately about what you should be doing. Everywhere you look, people are talking about “proper” pandemic etiquette and ways to spend your time in isolation. Here’s how to cook healthy meals from stockpiled pantry food. Here’s how to best work from home. Here’s how to finally start that side hustle you’ve been dreaming about. Hell, I’ve even written a few articles lately about socializing and maintaining your mental health during the pandemic.

All that advice is there for you if and when you’re ready for it, but it can be hard to take in without feeling as if you should somehow be finding ways to be productive, creative, or “normal” amid a life-altering situation. And when you find that you can’t? Well, of course you’re going to feel like crap about it.

It’s not just outside messaging, either. The pressure can come from inside the house. I don’t know about you, but I have to fight the impulse to judge myself and police my behavior more than ever as I fumble through my new shelter-in-place life. Every day, another “should” pushes its way into my thoughts. I tell myself: I should be reading more. I shouldn’t keep eating nothing but Easy Mac and Hot Pockets. I should call my family more. I should’ve gone to that Zoom Happy Hour with my coworkers. I should find a way to be helpful to those struggling more than me. I shouldn’t be sitting around and doing nothing all day like a lump, oh my god, I hate myself.

Logically, I know I don’t always have the bandwidth to do these things, and even when I do, I know it’s not helpful to pressure myself when I’m struggling. But that doesn’t stop the thoughts from repeating until I feel beaten down, guilty, and worthless anyway. I understand why I’m being hard on myself: So much of my new daily life is at odds with the standards I once had for taking care of myself and my mental health. And because of that, it requires extra effort to shut the judgment down and be kind to myself.

Typically, a helpful trick for dealing with should’s omnipresent voice is to think instead in terms of I want and I would like. For example, instead of telling myself, “Ugh, I should clean my disgusting depression cave of an apartment,” I’d usually reframe and remind myself, “I want to clean my apartment because I know I’ll feel better when I do.” This tweak, therapists say, can lead us to act out of desire and self-compassion instead of obligation and guilt. Which is great and helpful a lot of the time. It certainly has been for me in the past.

https://www.self.com/story/should-therapy-trick, GO TO SAUBIO DIGITAL FOR MORE ANSWERS AND INFORMATION ON ANY TOPIC

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