Relationships

How to Group Travel When You Don’t Love People

Saubio October 27 193

Popular culture suggests that human beings fall into two categories: those who like spending time with others and those who, frankly, would rather not. The truth, of course, is more complex. Lots of folks genuinely enjoy meeting and hanging out with other people…until they don’t. I, for example, like spending time with my friends, but I’m also quick to skulk away, eat take-out, and watch Netflix (or videos of other people eating) when I hit my socializing threshold.

For people like me, deciding whether or not to participate in group travel isn’t easy. On the one hand, of course I want to experience new places with people I generally like. On the other hand, wow, people can become really annoying really fast.

Even if you vehemently dislike group trips, there are unavoidable situations when you might have to participate in one anyway. Destination weddings, family reunions, bachelorette parties, and professional conferences come to mind. If all of this is striking a very real chord with you, first, I very much feel your pain. Second, I have some information that might help. Below, you’ll find the insight I gleaned after chatting with therapists about how to deal with group travel when you don’t love being around people all the time (or, like, ever). Fingers crossed these tips will make group travel a little more bearable for us all.

First, figure out exactly what you don’t like about group trips.

If you don’t know what sets off your “omg get me the hell home” group-trip feelings, you can’t fix (or avoid) them. Try to sort through the whirlwind of emotions you feel during or before a group trip to get to the heart of it.

For instance, maybe it all comes down to you being a tried-and-true introvert. It’s really helpful to understand the difference between being an introvert and being a shy person, Philip Lee, M.D., cohead of the marital therapy program at Weill Cornell Medicine and NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital and coauthor of Argument Addiction: Even When You Win, You Lose, tells SELF. Both traits exist on a continuum, but in general, shy people experience anxiousness about being in group settings or meeting new people, the American Psychological Association explains, while introverts might enjoy hanging with other people but need alone time to recharge.

On another mental wellness-related note, maybe you have social anxiety (which is different from general social anxiousness) that flares up when you’re around other people, including when traveling. Sometimes people brush off social anxiety, thinking of it as “just” being shy, but it can really be debilitating. If being around other people sometimes makes you experience symptoms like blushing, shaking, a rapid heart rate, fear, extreme self-consciousness and embarrassment, and trouble speaking, you could be dealing with social anxiety, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) explains.

There are so many other reasons why you might not be group travel’s biggest fan. Maybe you like the people you travel with well enough, but you hate the indecision that happens as the group tries to make plans. Maybe you feel like you always get roped into activities you find boring or ridiculously expensive and not remotely worth the payoff. Maybe you hate getting stuck as everyone’s photographer because your travel mates are obsessed with landing a perfect, envy-inducing Instagram story. Whatever might be going on, try to figure it out.

Prepare, prepare, prepare.

Now that you have some inkling of why you loathe group trips, you can actively work on solutions. Don’t wait to brainstorm how to tackle what sets you off about group travel. It’ll probably be a lot easier to come up with fixes before the trip instead of when you’re stranded on a six-hour bus ride trying not to scream because you don’t know if you’ll ever stop once you start.

Preparation in this context is all about trying to address your specific group travel concerns. If you self-identify as a shy person, building a stronger rapport with your travel buddies beforehand might be helpful. A shy person might have a bit of trouble warming up at the beginning of a trip “but could end up having a great time once they feel more comfortable and are able to integrate into the group,” Ingrid Barrera, Psy.D, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Miami Leonard M. Miller School of Medicine, tells SELF. To that end, preemptive footwork can go a long way, pun fully intended. It won’t always be possible, but if it’s an option and you think it might change your feelings about the trip, give that a try.

If you think your “shyness” is actually social anxiety, help is out there. Discussing your concerns with someone like your primary care physician, a psychiatrist, or a mental health professional like a counselor might lead you to solutions such as talk therapy or medication. (If you won’t be able to see someone before your trip, hopefully, the other measures in this article might help, and you can prioritize talking to someone after you’re back.)

If you’re an introvert, your group-travel struggle is probably tied to the sustained mingling you’ll have to endure, especially if you’re sharing a room with someone. (The horror.) If that’s the case, it might be helpful to carve out as much alone time as possible before your trip so that you start the travel experience energized and prepared for increased social interaction.

You can also pack with solitude in mind. Don’t underestimate the power of hauling along your favorite noise-canceling headphones, a few magazines, or a book you’re excited to read, Dr. Lee says. These can function as pretty universal “Do not disturb” signals. Barrera also suggests bringing a journal if scribbling down your thoughts is restorative to you. You might be all, “Uh, yeah, obviously” when reading these tips, in which case, great job already figuring out that these strategies help you. Just don’t, you know, forget to actually take any of these necessary tools along with you. Preparing to travel can be chaotic. Make sure you’re as organized as possible so you have what you need on your trip, like a huge book to dive into when you don’t feel like chatting.

Then there are other issues, like feeling as though you spend half of every group trip sitting around discussing what you all should do next. That might mean that before the next trip, you should be the one to spearhead creating an itinerary. If your bank account is always crying out in pain after a weekend away with friends, offer to help research lodging or restaurants so you can scope out some more budget-friendly options. If you’re always rolling your eyes because your friends refuse to look up from their phones even in the most stunning locales, mention a great story you recently read on the benefits of soaking up some non-Instagram-related travel time.

Whenever it makes sense, consider reaching out to a few of your travel companions ahead of time to discuss whatever’s on your mind, like worries about the overall budget or itinerary. Barrera also suggests talking to a seasoned traveler, ideally someone you know enjoys group travel, to get possible solutions for some of your worries. It could just be that they have a totally different travel disposition than you, but hey, you never know what tricks they may have for enjoying group trips.

Balance socializing and solitude.

Achieving this balance on a group trip can be difficult. Even during solo travel, there’s often pressure to seize every possible opportunity. This can become even more challenging when you’re negotiating between your own desires and those of a group. Because of that, it’s really important to check in with how you’re feeling throughout the trip. Are you excited, happy, and energized? Or are you drained, tired, and irritable? Were you excited, happy, and energized an hour ago, but now you’re feeling that fade as you contemplate the upcoming group hike and dinner? If you’re experiencing physical and emotional cues that you need a break, prioritize your personal needs.

“Understanding that [you] can take [a] time-out and retreat to spend time alone is important,” Barrera says.

To that end, try to give yourself permission to opt out of group activities or set aside some personal time each day if you need it. You might use mornings to explore the nearby town or sneak off for a little afternoon siesta while everyone lounges by the pool. “[You] can do group travel and still take a few hours out of the day to be alone and recharge,” Barrera says.

If you’re lucky, you’ll be on a group trip where you can say something like, “I’m going out for fresh air” and receive understanding nods instead of any opposition. But if you face a ton of questions or pleas to join in on whatever group activity you’re dreading, it might help to emphasize that taking time away from the group will actually make you a better travel companion.

“Simply conveying you’d like to give…your full attention, but you aren’t quite ready to engage in conversation or begin a new activity is a polite and respectful way of asking [the group] to step back for a bit,” Barrera says. The way you phrase it depends on your personality and the situation in question. You might say to your friends, “Remember the Great Eurotrip Meltdown of 2011? You know I turn into a monster when I don’t have my alone time. See you at dinner, byeee.” Coworkers might get the sanitized “I need a bit of time to recharge, but I’m excited to chat at dinner!” version.

Either way, saying no to things you’d really rather not do is a normal, healthy part to drawing boundaries. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. Here’s a full-on guide for how to protect your time and energy by saying no to activities that aren’t your jam.

Though it can be difficult to voice your needs on a group trip, Barrera says it’s worth it to try. Chances are it’ll make the experience a lot better for all of you. “At the end of the day, most people enjoy (and need) a few moments to themselves,” Barrera says. “Some just need more than others.”

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