How to Sext With Confidence and Have a Hotter Relationship Because of It

Not to mention, asking can help you sort through the logistics of time and place—you might not want to send them three eggplant emojis when they’re sharing their screen at work or tell them how much you loved feeling their [insert body part] last night while they’re in the midst of dinner with their kids, for instance. Even if they’re just busy, it can suck to be waiting on a reply to a saucy text for a prolonged period of time, Dr. Brown-James says. Hence why you want to get on the same page about if and when they’re generally into sexting before diving straight in.

It also doesn’t hurt to double-check (hell, even triple-check) that you’re sexting the right person before you actually hit send on anything, Dr. Brown-James adds: Being on the receiving end of a sext from a friend may be awkward in a funny way—but sending a sext to your boss, parent, sibling, or PTA group chat? Not so much.

Start simple, then layer on the descriptions and the adjectives.

It doesn’t have to be carnal, Dr. Brown-James says. And it probably shouldn’t be right off the bat. Dr. Tara suggests starting out with energy compliments—for instance, “Your energy is so sexy.” You can also try some playful teasing to signal the vibe, she adds, like: “Guess what I’m wearing right now?” And when they ask: “That naughty lingerie you got me.”

Once you’re both on board with what’s happening, you can pile on more descriptive words. As Engle says, it’s easy to see how just adding “juicy,” “wet,” or “thick” to the imaginary scene you’re painting or compliment you’re dishing out could make it very filthy.

Todd Baratz, LMHC, psychotherapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and member of the plusOne Wellness Collective, recommends focusing on sensory details to take things up a notch. Maybe you’ve raved about their physical appearance—but is there some way they smell, or feel, or taste when they’re at their sexiest that you can describe? Or flip the script and use that same lens to portray characteristics of yourself being turned on by them. Whichever you choose, serve it up piecemeal—just a few lines max at a time, Dr. Brown-James says: “Reading a dissertation in a text can kill the vibe.”

If you’ve hooked up with them before, describe your favorite parts about it…

A simple approach is just reminiscing on the best sexy encounter you’ve had with this person (if they’re a regular partner) or the most recent one. As Dr. Brown-James says, you don’t have to be an erotic novelist; you just have to jog your own memory. Any specific thing you loved about that hookup or something you know you want to do again with them will work here, like: “I’m still thinking about when you went down on me last weekend,” or “I literally can’t wait until the next time you [insert spicy thing they did here].”

…Or paint the picture of an ideal future sex session.

Maybe you haven’t gotten physical with them yet—or there’s just some sexual avenue you haven’t explored together. Engle suggests taking a minute to think about what that might look like and asking yourself what would be most arousing in a future hookup: Is there a certain sex toy you’d like to bring in? Do you want to try bondage? Role-play? Whatever it is, use your imagination to depict the experience you want to have with them.

If they’re not catching your drift, pause to offer more context.

Let’s say you start recounting your last romp in graphic detail or elucidating why they’re so damn fine, and they’re giving you little more than one-word responses (or, worse yet, settling for mere heart or thumbs-up reactions). Engle herself has been there. She suggests taking a step back and sharing a bit about what you’re trying to achieve in a straightforward (but not aggressive) way. Explain briefly why sexting matters to you, and follow it up with a request: “Would it be possible for you to give me back what I’m serving?” According to Engle, most people who are game to sext are also happy to be more engaged if their partner asks.

Use your fantasies as fodder for inspiration.

Since sexting isn’t actually sex, it can also function as a low-risk setting to explore kink. Maybe you have a fantasy about having sex in public, and the idea of someone else seeing you is thrilling. Or perhaps there are specific kinds of role-play that really get you off—like the scenario of a nurse and their patient, or a boss and their assistant. You can use any and all of that to guide your sexting forays. As Engle points out, this isn’t an essay you’re turning in at school or submitting for publication—so feel free to lift ideas directly from your favorite pieces of erotic material. The truth is, nobody cares if what you say isn’t wholly original. Certain fantasies become cliché for a reason: Tons of people find them hot. So put yourself in the POV of a porn star, and describe exactly what’s happening, she says.

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