Chrissy Teigen Just Wrote an Emotional, Revealing Essay About Losing Her Baby

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A few weeks after announcing the devastating loss of her son, Jack, Chrissy Teigen published an emotional essay on Medium that explains a little more about what happened.

In late September, Teigen revealed that, after weeks of bed rest during pregnancy, she’d been hospitalized. And in the new essay, Teigen says she was diagnosed with a partial placental abruption during this time, a rare but serious condition in which the placenta separates from the inner lining of the uterus.

The condition typically causes heavy vaginal bleeding (although not always) as well as back and abdominal pain that begin suddenly, the Mayo Clinic says. Placental abruption can lead to life-threatening complications for both the pregnant person and their baby. Unfortunately, in some cases, placental abruption can cause premature birth or stillbirth.

“We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop,” Teigen wrote. “In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.”

Doctors saw Teigen at home, where she silently twisted “their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay.” But after a particularly rough night of even more excessive bleeding, Teigen went to the hospital. “My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier,” she wrote. “The fluid around Jack had become very low—he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.

“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming,” Teigen wrote. “It was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either.” Her doctors had done everything they could, including several blood transfusions, but nothing was helping. “Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning,” she wrote. “I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again.”

At a certain point, Teigen knew what would have to happen: “I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20-week-old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms).” After delivery, when it came time to say goodbye, Teigen, Legend, and Teigen’s mom all took their turns holding the baby. Now, Teigen says, “his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.”

Teigen also commented on the photos she and her husband, John Legend, posted on social media after their loss—and the backlash they received. “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done,” she wrote. “I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them.”

Grief may look different for everyone. Taking photos may not feel right for some, but others like Teigen find it helps them process and place their emotions as well as honor the tragic event they experienced. Moving forward, Teigen says she’s extremely thankful for the outpouring of kindness—even from strangers, like a cashier who quietly added flowers to Teigen’s cart. And she felt she needed to write the essay “before I could move on from this and return back to life.”

She notes that Jack “will always be loved,” and that she and Legend will explain him to their other children as “existing in the wind and the butterflies.” Finally, Teigen thanked all of those who thought of them and sent their stories—and encouraged people to be more open about these experiences so no one has to go through them alone. “People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart,” Teigen wrote. “A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”

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