Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? These 10 Questions Can Help You Decide

Suppose one of you cheated, though, or was otherwise blindsided and bitter about never getting closure. In these cases, Sharoni says it’s hard to genuinely be friends when potential emotional baggage (in the form of anger, hurt, bitterness, or heartbreak) is still weighing you down.
4. Is this decision mutual?
Maybe only one of you genuinely wants to remain pals—while the other is agreeing to avoid awkwardness. It doesn’t matter who’s in which situation, Dr. Shaw says: A friendship can’t thrive when there isn’t mutual interest and effort.
“You have to ask yourself not just, ‘What feelings do I have?’ but also, ‘What feelings might they have?’” Dr. Shaw says. Having a straightforward conversation (“I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page about keeping things strictly platonic”) can save you both from mixed signals and unrealistic expectations. “Because even if you’re fine being cordial and have zero attraction left, your former partner may not be in the same place,” she adds.
5. Do we have enough in common to be friends?
While dating, lots of things can make your bond feel special—emotional vulnerability, electrifying chemistry, even great sex. But when those affectionate elements are gone, there may not be much holding this friendship together.
“If you’re struggling to find conversation—or only revolving it around your past, then this dynamic may not be friendship material,” Dr. Shaw says—in which case, going your separate ways could be a better move. But if you have lots of shared interests and hobbies (a mutual love for playing tennis or an appreciation for A24 films), then there’s a foundation for meaningful companionship.
6. Do I have other friends, or will they be my only support?
Even if they used to be your go-to person for everything, your ex can’t keep playing that role. Otherwise, it becomes much easier to blur the lines between friendship and something more, Sharoni says—which is why it’s important to rely on more than one person for validation, emotional security, and advice.
“Making sure you have a broader support system also gives you built-in accountability,” Dr. Shaw adds. These people can call you out if they notice anything off—maybe you’re texting your ex suspiciously late at night or giving them gifts that a partner (vs. pal) would. Ultimately, the more independent you are from them, the better chance your companionship has to thrive without old lovey patterns creeping in.
7. Could I still be friends with them if they started dating someone new?
It’s easy to lightly flirt when you’re both freshly single. Eventually, though, at least one of you might start dating again at some point—and that’s when the true test of your “platonic” nature comes into play.
“Picture yourself supporting your ex-partner in a new relationship,” Dr. Shaw suggests. “If that’s something you’re happily willing to do, then maybe you have moved on enough to be in a friendship.” But if this scenario stirs up pangs of jealousy? Sadness? Discomfort? Rage? These strong reactions may signal that perhaps your intentions for keeping an ex in your life are more than just friendly—and could be tied to your lingering feelings.
8. What would my new partner think about this “friendship”?
It’s also important to consider how your new or future beau would feel about your friendship with an ex. As a starting point, Sharoni recommends asking yourself, “Would I be comfortable if a current partner were privy to my conversations with my ex? Equally important, would they be okay with it?” If the vibes are really as platonic as you claim, being transparent about your companionship shouldn’t feel awkward or forced, she says. There shouldn’t be any reason to get defensive or uncomfortable—and definitely nothing for your next partner to be suspicious about.
9. Can I accept the possibility that our connection won’t look the same?
“Healthy friendships, especially with exes, require an acceptance of change,” Sharoni says. In other words, your new version of friendship might mean an occasional game of pickleball or drinks in a large group, rather than late-night FaceTime calls and movie nights.

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