Can My Partner—or Anyone Else—Find Out Who I Vote For?

What’s publicly available fluctuates state to state (you can find out what yours discloses here). Some places, like New York and Alaska, only show your name, address, and party affiliation, while others, like South Carolina, list your name, address, phone number, date of birth, sex, and race. While other people can’t see who you outright voted for, no matter what state you’re in, they could make an educated guess based on the party you’re affiliated with, Ellis points out.

And, unfortunately, there’s really not much you can do about that, he says. If you’re a registered voter, some of your personal info is simply going to be in the public domain. There is one major exception though. A ton of states have voter confidentiality programs for people who have, say, a restraining order against another person or are in a witness protection program. “If you can produce a protective order or affidavit—or prove you have a need for your voter information to be confidential—the state will treat that info as confidential,” Ellis explains.

What to say if your partner asks who you voted for

If you’re tensing up just thinking about your partner asking you which candidate you chose, pause and remember that no one needs to know who you voted for. It’s your right as a citizen of the U.S. to keep that info to yourself. And if they do inquire and you don’t want to say, Domenique Harrison, LMFT, LPCC, a Los Angeles-based therapist and relationships expert, recommends going with something like, “I don’t feel ready to have that conversation right now, and I’m not sure when I will be.”

Your person might feel upset and disappointed that you’re not willing to share, Harrison says, which is why she suggests doing your best to avoid ”always” and “never” statements—like, “I will never, ever tell you” or “You always act entitled to my personal business.” These absolutes can cause your partner to feel defensive and shut down, making it impossible to work through conflict, Harrison says.

If you’re maybe, possibly, potentially down to share, she recommends going into the convo with an open and curious mindset. Just because you think it’ll suck doesn’t mean it actually will. Approach the topic gently and say something like, “I’m feeling a little scared about sharing that. Is it okay if we table this conversation and reconnect about it on a walk tomorrow?” Harrison suggests. Or, perhaps, “You deserve honesty and transparency, and I know we haven’t talked about this yet, but would it be a dealbreaker if we voted differently?” This approach invites your partner in, even if you’re not ready to open up quite yet, and sets the tone for a calm, honest, exploratory conversation when you do feel ready.

There’s a reason you’re with this person—even if you’re absolutely dreading a politically fueled chat with them—and sitting down and talking about why you voted the way you did could lead to a really productive discussion about your values and beliefs. And, hey, maybe you’ll learn you can get through tough stuff and that you guys have a solid-as-hell bond. Or, perhaps it’ll swing the other way, and you’ll learn that it’s time to chuck them out the window (just kidding, kinda).

Just remember: If you don’t see eye to eye, that’s not always a bad thing. First, be grateful you’re not living in the 18th century and don’t have to deal with this in the town square. Then, take a deep breath and remember that who you vote for is your own biz and you can take it to the grave if you want to.

Your health is always on the ballot—and your vote is more powerful than you realize! Follow SELF’s coverage of the 2024 election here.